Fictional Romance Hero vs. Husband: Experiment

Low and behold – I present to you modern-day book Heroes!

That just sounded like I was introducing some exotic creature, right? Well, I am. Sort of.

I´m talking about the manly figures in romance novels. Male protagonists. The men women swoon over while reading a romance novel. Or as I like to call them now-a-days… Passionate nut-jobs. 

You think I´m exaggerating? I assure you, I´m not.
I know I know, people reading those popular genres love their passionate nut-jobs. You know what I´m talking about. Those characters who are so bat-shit crazy, no real-life person would ever go near them, not even for money ( at least I wouldn´t ).

Romance is a popular genre and if a romance novel has the whole package then it´s like winning the damn lottery. The only problem is- These heroes are more dramatic and painted out to be the best of the best in the worst way possible.

The fictional characters some authors create are often beyond words. It´s a good thing they´re not real.

I´ve enjoyed a few of those characters a few years ago, before those characters turned into psychopaths.

Yeah, I used to get all excited by the caveman behavior. I was a member of the „ Lusting after X“ society. Swoon here…swoon there. *sigh * It was fun until every new hero became more crazier. After that….I quit the swooning. It wasn´t worth it. Maybe because I didn´t find stalking romantic, or MAYBE I think way to realistic.

These days, a lot of authors like to create characters who have power, who like full control in all areas, and who love to wash their heroines hair…like- all the time! YIKES! Now, some might find that to be the Jackpot…..I find it not necessary because both my arms aren´t broken. I´d also poison any  hero who´d treat me like their possession. 

X: ” You´re MINE! SAY IT! * him, thumping chest with fists*

Me: * eyes wide * ” I´m yours? ” * listening to crickets chirp *

X: ” I´m not convinced! Say you´re mine FOREVER!”

Me: ” Sure, I´m yours. Til the day you die.”  * waiting for X to go to bed so I can hit him on the head with a frying pan *

I´ve noticed there are 3 major Hero-types in the romance/erotica/New Adult novel world.

The Baby Billionaire ( the untouchable CEO´s )

The College Lunatic ( the passionate nut-jobs, game players)

The Bad Boy ( the social outcasts, the rebels )

And what do these 3 character-types have in common? They´re all obsessive, all passionate, and all ready for the funny farm. They ALL love to wash women´s hair. They ALL love to see their women eat, and they LOVE to be the judge of everything, including having the last word when it comes to clothes, friends, and having fun. In short- They´re all unbelievably wacko when they find their significant others. Those 3 Hero-types will do anything and go to great lengths to keep their woman.

Now, in reality, it´s kind of mandatory to have a relationship where both would do alot for each other. I want to see my husband happy and my husband wants to see me happy. But fictional characters these days? That´s a whole new level of relationship there.

Some authors will let their heroes rip plane tickets into a million pieces, let a hero hide the pill, and let a hero beat the crap out of any other male who even sneezes near their partners. If you ask me- that´s plain absurd. As if letting those characters go ape-shit is a romantic thing. The crazier, the better, right? RIGHT? In my world, it´s not reeeaaally right. Jealousy- Fine. I´m good with a suitable amount of jealousy. 

Again…I´m only talking about the millions of books that have been doing their rounds in the book world. ( Note: Not all romances, just many)

Have any of you wondered what life would be like if our „real life husbands / boyfriends / Fiancès would act like those characters? Would you like it if your better half washes your hair? Would you enjoy the things that happen in those books? I bet some readers would love to have the same sex life as the characters they read about have..:-) Which is fine, really. But, It might not be the sex that´s so awesome- maybe it´s just the way the author writes about it that fascinates a reader. Ever thought about that? Or the fact that book people have more sex than a reader does.

ANYWAYS….

After months and months of playing out the „ what if´s“ after finishing a romance novel, I wanted to find out for myself if a book character´s life was all that fancy. I did a little experiment with my poor husband. It´s not like I have better things to do, right?

So…here´s what I did.

Mind you- My husband is the most silent and easy going person I know. He hardly get´s overly emotional but he does get confused when you ask him questions. Odd, out of the blue, questions throw him off. He´ll tell you what he wants for dinner within 0.3 seconds but don´t ask him what you should wear before going out together. The answer might never pass his lips.

Test #1 ( Washing Heroine´s Hair )

Me: „ Honey, can you wash my hair?“

Hubby: „ What´s wrong?“

The look on his face- Priceless. 

Me: „ Nothing. I just thought you´d like to wash my hair. I heard that men do that alot.“

Hubby: Confused, “You sure?”

Me: „ Totally. Men do it to worship their better half.“

Hubby: „ I worship you everyday without wanting to wash your hair.“

He´s right. And he also knows I would never ask him to wash my hair but he did it anyways. Because he loves me. Poor guy. He made an effort, I have to give him that much. That same night I got my special pamper treatment I asked for.  I sat in the tub and let him wash my hair. Would you like to know how it felt? My own husband acted like my head was made out of fragile glass. He was too careful. Lol. But when I told him he needed to wash my hair, not massage it he took my words to heart and scrubbed the life out of my scalp. To this day I´m convinced he reduced the thickness of my hair to half of what it was.

And let me tell you- My face and eyes have never been as clean before, either. I nearly drowned because he didn´t know what to do with the showerhead ( so he accidentally held it against my face. Sure thing. I understand. Guys + showerheads = incompatible.) 

He told me that he loved me and that he never wanted to wash my hair again. Not until I get them well-trimmed. I agreed. In fact- I told him that I loved him but never wanted him near my hair, ever again. There was nothing remotely sexy or sensual about the act itself. I didn´t feel closer to my husband. I didn´t enjoy the feeling of his uncoordinated movements on my head ( my ears don´t have hair in them yet. Doubt they ever will have any for the next 30 years too) I feared for my life. I gasped for air. I´m traumatized. 

 

Test #2 ( Buying clothes for the Heroine )

Me: „ Honey, have you ever thought about picking out clothes for me to wear?“

Hubby: „ Come again?“

Me: „ Don´t you want to be the one who decides what I should wear?“

Hubby: „ Me?!“

Me: „ Just asking. Maybe you can go out and buy me a new dress?“

Hubby: No. Go buy your own dress.“

Me: „ Then maybe you could offer me your credit card. Show me you want to take care of me.“

Hubby: You might never come back if I give you my credit card.“

It took alot of will power not to burst out laughing at the sight of my poor husbands face. He looked so lost. Confused.The end-result of the “buy me a dress” test? I failed. For the rest of that day he just looked at me like I had lost my marbles. I can´t say I didn´t try, though.

Test #3 ( Chose a Meal for Heroine )

( we decided to go to McDonald’s while the girls were at Grandma´s )

Hubby: „ Should I order first or do you already know what you want to eat?“

Me: „ Uuhm, just order what you think is okay for me.“

Hubby: Confused, „ What?“

Me: „ I said, you order for me. But don´t tell me what you´re ordering. Order it in french and just bring it to me.“ 

He then bent towards my ear and whispered softly, afraid someone would hear him.

Hubby: „ We´re at McDonald’s. And I´m seconds away from calling your mom.“

Me: Evil eyed, „ Fine. Nuggets and fries.“

Douche-bag threatened to call my mom just because I was doing a study on Fictional Hero vs. Real Husband. Pfft.

It took a while for my husband to speak to me again but he did. When we finished eating and were back in the car, on our way home. But he only said “We need to talk.”. On the inside, I was cracking up but kept a straight face until we got home and had our little chitchat. 

The end of that story was- Hubby thought I was having an affair ( how he came to that conclusion is a mystery to me). I assured him that wasn´t the case. Then he thought I was taking medication, having a meltdown, a mid-life crisis, etc etc. I told him what I was doing. That I wanted to find out what life as a fictional character was like.

He told me I needed professional help.

The end result of my little experiment-  Life actually sucks as a fictional character ( well, it didn´t work for me). But I did have fun. I guess that´s what matters most, right?

Any author can write about whatever they want. They should just be careful about how crazed the make their heroes.

So, why is it hundreds of readers wish they had character X as their partner? What good would ever come out of it?  What´s the appeal? 

Let´s collect signatures and go against the madness. Surely, authors are capable of writing a love story without making their characters full-blown lunatics. 

Ridiculous Book Sex

Alas, a subject I have been dying to write about. A topic that needs further discussion.

Sex in books.

Romance readers want to have a good time while reading. They want the heartache, the sappy moments, etc. If a romance has the whole package, including good sex scenes, then it´s a total win for us readers.

Reality has taught us that sex can be loads of fun ( If done right, of course. ) and reading about it in a book that has a drop-dead-gorgeous male protagonist in it makes the head theater much more fun.

When I´m reading an erotic romance I´m literally waiting for a good sex scene with great sex. You know- the mind-blowing kind. The kind of sex in books that take a reader to a complete new level of horniness. I´m not talking about reading a porn….I´m referring to a romance / erotica novel that has sex in it. ( okay….maybe erotica novels come pretty close to porn, or not. What do I know?!)

In my opinion – reading about sex cannot be compared to pornography because… Well, characters in books have background stories and go through emotional highs and lows. Porn doesn´t. Although, my husband disagrees with me on that one. Just the other day he tried to convince me that porn movies have an actual plot. * Hangs head * Romance novels keep it real to a certain extent.

ANYWAYS…. Back to book sex:
I bow before any author who writes about sex. Period. I cannot imagine how hard it is to write about 2 people screwing and gushing their feelings for each other. Some authors have so much talent in that department. I often ask myself if those scenes came from personal experience or if it´s just a thought up scene. Imagined. Either way…..I love extremely well written, fully described, sensual, intimate sex scenes in novels. Nothing makes me more happy to know someone put a lot of thought into a scene like that. It´s actually pretty cool if you think about it.

But then there are authors who just write about sex. You know…..the questionable kind. The kind that puts huge question marks on my panties instead of making them change their color.

Now- this is a subject we all can discuss to no end because everyone has a different opinion on what good sex is. Which is fine by me. We all have different tastes, right? I´m not judging anyone if they like to read about any type of bed sports. To each is their own. But in some cases ( no matter what kind of sex I´m talking about) the sex is too much to take in. It´s also almost tacky. Tasteless. 

Authors often over-do it with their sex scenes. I´m not talking about all authors. I´m only referring to 75% of self published writers who include sex in their romances.

I consider myself still young, with being 35. I´m practically living in the best years of my life. But not even I find it sexy to read about characters who screw at every given opportunity. I can´t, by all that´s holy, visualize a sex marathon that goes on and on and on without feeling some sort of mental exhaustion after a while.

You have to keep in mind that I´m 35, not 20. I have a hard time keeping up with fictional characters these days because all they want to do is have sex. Even if I wanted to, I couldn´t have as much sex as book characters have. It´s as if these fictional characters are trying to compete with rabbits.

I know that the stories I read ( especially in the romance/erotica world) aren´t meant to be realistic. Still…..cut me some slack here- At some point, a Heroine has to start walking like John Wayne after she´s been well screwed / shagged / fucked by the sex-God from down the road. I´d definitely need a weeks worth of bed rest if were a female protagonist from any sex loaded novel.

I live in Europe…which means people over here are confronted with sex on a daily basis in a healthy way. Sex is apart of life. No need to shut up about it.   Either people like it kinky, or they don´t. No one is utterly fazed or shocked over here. So, before anyone gives me the ” Prude” stamp- keep in mind that I´m as open-minded as anyone can be. You cannot shock me with sexual acts or dirty talk, or what-not. I just do not appreciate bad / too much sex in a book. That just distracts from the actual plot. Or a terrible dialogue, for that matter.

An author can make their characters as kinky as they want them to be…I still don´t think anyone or anything should have sex 20 times a day, as some authors LOVE to make their characters do. That just…..hurts to think about.

 

And, please, * slamming hands on table, leaning forward, giving the stern look*, what is it with the Dialogue during sex scenes? Has anyone noticed how the majority of romance / erotica heros do the ultimate „ You´re so wet for me“ line?

Or, wait! I got a better one!

“Come for me, baby“  *shaking head* Am I the only one who noticed those two sentences in almost EVERY romance / erotica novel lately?

It´s not the sentences alone that are terrible. It´s the fact that those sentences come up in every damn sex scene. Let´s say characters X and Y are having sex for the first time. And all of a sudden X says: „ Oh, you´re so wet for me.“ Okay. It´s a line that isn´t original, but it´s still okay. If an author believes those words must be included, fine.

When X and Y have sex the second and third time ( in the same night, day, week ), X says the same words to Y. Uuhm… * scratching head * Does Y need a bucket because she´s so wet? Should X fetch the Tupperware just in case?

Obviously, X can´t get over the fact that Y gets wet! Y get´s utterly wet as soon as X touches her! Y is leaking.

And when X commands Y to orgasm ( or better…to come – to cum ) Y magically orgasms. Every single time! Some ladies might find that ” to orgasm ” on command is a hard task to do. But who am I kidding * wave off * I´m thinking way to realistic. What do I know, right?

Let´s rehash-

X is fascinated by the fact that Y gets so wet for him all the time that he needs to announce it.

Y can orgasm on command effortlessly because X is DA SHIT!

Let´s do a real life version of a novel sex scene ( of course, a woman has a few options on how to respond to the magic words)-

Guy: „ oh, Baby….you´re so wet for me.“

Woman: ( option nr. 1 ) „ U-huh.“

Woman: ( option nr .2 ) „ Really? How bad is it down there?“

Woman: ( option nr. 3 ) „ Yeah, I´m so wet for you.“

Or the woman might not give any answer and enjoy what´s bound to happen.

Guy: „ You want to come? Then come, NOW!“

Woman: „ Hold on…I´m almost there…“

Guy: „ No. I want you to come, NOW“

Woman: „ I can´t now. Just keep doing what you´re doing…almost there…“

Guy: ” NOW! Damn it ! N.O.W! Why can´t you orgasm on command?!“

Woman: „ Because I´m NOT  Y from those non-unique sex scenes!!!!“

Do you see my point? A dialogue like that can make whatever feelings I developed disappear into thin air. Poof! Just like that. Gone.

It´s also just as cringe-worthy when the words „moist“ and „cream pie“ are over used. There must be a way to replace those words with something more… fitting? Moist are my kitchen towels after I dry the dishes. And cream pie…. it´s a pie or cake, for heaven’s sake.

And now- while we´re at it… Let us comb through the phrases used in sex scenes. Let´s call it the sex lingo.

Ready?

  • …she tasted like honey…..“ ( I guarantee you, no one tastes like honey down south. Male and female do NOT taste like honey. It´s just a fact. If it were true then you´d be seeing a lot more people going down and having a 3 course meal with „honey“)
  • .. until I finally found her secret center…“ ( A vagina isn´t Narnja. It´s not the rabbit hole that leads to Wonderland. It´s not Barbie´s secret garden, either)
  • …his maleness, passing the petal soft folds of her womanhood…“ ( No vagina lips can be compared to petals. Touch a rose petal then touch vagina lips. It ain´t possible. But touch a turkey´s overlapping skin on his neck and then try touching a vagina. And vagina lips don´t fold. They´re bunched in your underwear. )
  • … I was drowning in her juices…“ ( How many characters are leaking? )
  • …I was blinded as I soared over the edge…“ ( I never went blind before/during/after an orgasm. Maybe I´m doing something wrong? And I never soared anywhere except for the one time when I woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to turn on the bedroom light but missed the wall and switch and went „soaring“ towards the floor. That shit hurt.)

Why compare food and drinks to body fluids? Why not stick to the truth instead of misleading the innocent and giving them weird ideas? Am I thinking too realistic here?

Sometimes people don´t smell like Christmas spices when they pull down their underwear. I can already hear you say „ Eeeeew“ after reading that but it´s true. Any person who´s sexually active KNOWS the dark secrets of sex. And no author has interest in coloring out the harsh reality of event.

Most writers would rather have you believe it´s fabulous to give your partner a blowjob after being on the road for 12 hours with 3 bathroom breaks in between ( without the possibility to wash up..like, at all). There are no rose scents involved there, trust me. Yet, authors will have you believing that the sexual drive between their characters is greater than anything else. They let their characters focus on their lust and ignore the wet fox smell.

As you can probably tell by now, I´ve read some crazy stuff over the last few years and I have a strong feeling that nothing is going to change.

Can we just try to call „his sword“ a penis? Use cock, for all I care….but sword? And how about vagina instead of „where she was moist and desperate“? It´s a vagina. It´s a penis. Either you have one or the other. And maybe it´s a good time to mention that sex is fantastic but sex doesn´t always sell. 

I´m just afraid if young women ( who haven´t had sex yet) read those scenes….they´ll think it´s supposed to be like that in real life. * head against table*

Authors should try to come up with better lines. These people aren´t called artists for no reason. Authors have so many ideas and words to work with…. it should be a piece of cake to come up with something better than „You´re so wet for me.“. It´s really not funny anymore to read the same lines in 80% of all books I read.

This is not meant to discourage writers to include sex in their stories. This is meant to help spark their passion for finding better, more authentic words for their scenes.

My Husband Loves His Bookloving Wife ( Me)

As a booklover I´m always trying to find things.

  • the right position to read ( and that can take a while )
  • the right blanket
  • bookmarks
  • the right food to munch on ( blind eating while reading is FAB!)
  • peace and quiet ( Yeah, that never happens )
  • the right light ( !!! )

Finding the right lighting can be a * cough cough * pain in the ass. I don´t want to read with flood lights, nor do I want to read with dimmed lights ( That´s a real eye-ruiner)

For the last 3 days I´ve been chained to the sofa, suffering from the aftermath of Chinese food. Sad, isn´t it? I love chinese food yet apparently, I can´t stomach it anymore ( or that new place I had dinner at wanted to give me food poisoning ). Despite my suffering I´ve found something positive about not being able to fully function. I CAN READ all day and night! Awesome, right? ( Talk about catching up on the mile long TBR list ) Yeah well, it was awesome until it was dark. That´s when the flood light / dim light / finding the right position came in. Tonight I complained for the first time about not being able to read a book with proper light.

That´s when my husband stood up and ran out of the livingroom. Mind you- my husband hardly moves that fast, especially when he´s already gotten comfy in front of the TV. When he came back he held out a device infront of me with a smile on his face.

It took me a while to realize what he was holding. Then it hit me and I loved him so much I was willing to marry him all over again. A HEADLIGHT!!! He gave me his headlight from work!! Omg…. Like…Oh. My. God! I´m in love!

This beats any table lamp!

stupidme See? How f*****g awesome is this?! stupidme2

I can see what I read! This proves that love still exists even after being married for 15 years!

BEST HUSBAND EVER! ❤